4 / 27 / 2023

Dear Friends,

Who determines what's ‘appropriate’? That word has long been tossed around like cheap candy at a holiday parade. By definition, appropriate means “suitable or proper in the circumstances.” But that’s so subjective. Who decides what’s suitable or proper? And doesn’t that also depend upon whose perspective the circumstance itself is coming from?

The worst part about the “appropriate” concept is that it wreaks of judgement. And that judgement is then unceremoniously pushed on others, sometimes (too often!) on unsuspecting kids who don't yet know how to tell the differences between regulations, traditions, and straight up opinions. Tales of what is and is not “appropriate” then forms biases and the cycle starts all over again. This is a big part of how people become socialized into persistent, detrimental beliefs.

Sometimes . . . things can change. For example, it’s no longer “inappropriate” for a woman to wear pants. It’s now equally as “appropriate” for a woman to (gasp!) want to have her own interests and career as it is for a man to want to spend time with his children. It’s okay for girls to like math and for boys to like reading. These things weren't readily "appropriate" 50 years ago. Public beliefs around what is deemed “appropriate” can change.

But it’s slow. And the little comments and reactions - they matter.

Telling our girls to smile, wait their turn, and be empathetic towards others is fine. If we’re giving those same directions to our boys.

Laughing at our boys energy, indulging their impatience, and roughhousing with them to inspire resilience is great. As long as we’re also teaching those same skills to our girls.

Most of all, teaching kids to – if not completely throw out, then to - absolutely QUESTION the notion of what’s “appropriate” is essential. And that goes tenfold for adults too.